If The Death Note Characters Appeared On Dr Phil
by Happy Lil' Tidbit
Summary: This is a story I had in mind for a while now, in which L, Light, Misa and Ryuuk all go on the Dr. Phil Show. Will all be well, or will chaos corrupt and will the world be brought to it's knees? All is revealled in this explosive episode of Dr. Phil.


If The Death Note Characters Ever Appeared On Dr. Phil

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, nor am I in any kind of cahoots with the Dr. Phil show or his person. I am also not in anyway associated with Dr. Frank Lawless. Please don't sue me.

**A/N: I've been a Dr. Phil addict for a long time. I remember how I used to rush home after school everyday for school had ever so coincidentally let out a half hour before the show began, and so help me I liked it. The Dr. Phil House was one of my highlights of the week. It was only until I moved that the routine snapped. (I missed the 1000****th**** episode special, I'm so upset! My cousin won't stick around at her own damn locker and I have a lousy sense of direction! Seriously, I was wandering around her neighbourhood for at least half an hour hauling a heavy backpack and trumpet around. I considered playing morse code for help on it, but I decided not to.) Anyway when I was reading Death Note, I noticed that everybody had a problem in some way or form and if they ever appeared on Dr. Phil, the ratings would shoot up so fast it wouldn't be funny (although I would laugh). In simpler terms, I've jumped the bandwagon for it seems like everybody else has put a series or fictional character on the Dr. Phil show. (A shout out to the guys who made "Pokemon meets Dr. Phil". If any of you guys are reading this, you rock! And to everybody else, you have to see it on Youtube.) So anyways, enjoy! **

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Dr. Phil walked out onto the stage as the theme song played on, coming to a close. He waited for the women ('cause let's face it, unless they're the women's husbands or a guest, men never appear on the show) to cease their cheering and clapping before he began his introduction on that day's issue.

"Now, I'm sure y'all know somebody you don't like," he began. "Well, wouldn't it all be great if they could just disappear off the earth entirely, never to bother you again?"

Cheers and clapping filled the room in response.

"Well, with the help of a special notebook, a young man could, and did, just that," he continued. He turned to the big television screen. "Take a look."

On the screen it showed Light Yagami sitting at his desk as he flipped through a black notebook. "I write in my Death Note constantly," he said. "I am known as Kira. I kill criminals by writing their names down in this notebook. My goal is to make an ideal world free of crime. If anyone gets in my way, I will kill them. Nothing can stop me. I am justice!"

Suddenly, L appeared on the screen. "I will do anything to stop Kira. He must be stopped. It is not his place to decide who receives corporal punishment. What he is doing is criminal and he must be taken down. Of course, I know that I'm going to win, because I'm the good guy and the good guys always win."

Then Misa appeared. "Kira has my total support! Both my parents were killed and Misa felt like Misa didn't get justice, then Kira killed him. Misa loves you Light-kun!"

Then much to the confusion of the audience, on the tape was a room with no people, only a few apples, a sheet of paper and a Sharpie. Suddenly, the Sharpie began to levitate and wrote letters on the piece of paper. Then the paper levitated. "HUMANS ARE A HOOT." it read.

The tape stopped and Dr. Phil turned to Light who was sitting on a couch next to L. "So how's that workin' for ya?"

"I told you he was going to say that," L said.

"I'll get to you in a minute, but right now, I'm talking to him," Dr. Phil said.

"It's going great Dr. Phil!" Misa cried out happily. "Light's so smart!"

"What did I just finish telling him?!" Dr. Phil asked, pointing at L. "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to _him_, now wait a minute."

"Misa's right though, it is going exceptionally well," Light replied. "The numbers of my followers are getting bigger each day. It won't be long now until the entire world is under my control."

"Yeah, but," he paused for dramatic affect, "don't you find this kind of wrong? I mean, you're killing people off, because _they're _killing people off? Let's just think about this for a second: what good is this possibly doing?"

"It's making a perfect world!" Light shouted over the cheers and applause. "I just told you that!"

"You tell him, Light!" Misa cried out.

Dr. Phil threw his hands up. "Did I wake up in the Twilight Zone?! You Misa, have to get over your parents' death. I know it's hard, me and Robin both have parents buried, but you have got to come over it. I mean, you traded half your life span _twice_. Not just _once_, but _twice._ You probably don't have much time left in this world and is this really how you want to spend it?"

"Yes," Misa pouted.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it is!"

"Anyways," Dr. Phil said, changing the subject, "sitting with us in the studio today is Dr. Frank Lawless, who I keep in a storage room until I need him for a show and who wrote a whole bunch of books saying that the only reason your kid acts the way he does is because he as ADD or ADHD. Dr. Lawless, what's your take on this?"

"Well, Dr. Phil," he began, "I think that Misa has ADD."

"No, really?" Light asked sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"Misa does – Oh look! A beeping light on a camera!"

"Don't look at the camera," Dr. Phil ordered. "I told you to ignore the cameras!"

"But it's distracting!" Misa whined. "Hi, world!"

"Well, let's talk about you then," Dr. Phil said to L. "Just looking at you, I can tell you have security issues. I mean, all through the show, you've been up in the fetal position."

"My reasoning ability will decrease by forty percent if I don't."

"That's because you're insecure otherwise! You're sucking your thumb right now!"

"I am not. My thumb is resting on my bottom lip."

"Ha ha! Ryuuzaki's a ba– "

Light was cut off by L's foot making contact with his face. "**The other children in Whammy House were relentless about that**," he growled. "The other kids used to beat me up daily and steal all my socks and shoes so I grew accustomed to being barefoot. Then they broke my wrists and that's why I pick stuff up the way I do."

"Was that kick in face really necessary?" Dr. Phil asked. "And does this look like Jerry Springer?!"

L and Light looked at each other before they answered, "It was only a matter of time."

"And you have those giant bags under your eyes! Are you getting any sleep at all?" Dr. Phil continued, ignoring the response.

"Yes."

"Don't give me that additude!"

"What additude?" L asked. "I always talk like this."

"Don't go throwing your emotions away!" Dr. Phil shouted. "It's time to get real and abandon your security issues and become willing to face the outside world!"

" . . . no."

"Why don't you start by telling the millions and millions of viewers out there your real name!"

L's eyes widened. "People are trying to kill me out there! I can't go telling them my real name!"

"Nonsense! Go out and tell them your real name!"

"Never!" L cried as Light grabbed the back of his shirt as he tried to escape.

"I know his real name!" Misa cried out, waving her arms in the air. "It's – "

"No!" L cried as he jumped across the stage and clasped his hands on her mouth. "I thought I told you about this last night at the hotel!"

"So _that's _what you were doing when you said you were going to get some cake, you son of a – "

"Don't talk that way to Ryuuzaki!" Misa cried out. "And he's much better boyfriend material than you!"

"What the hell did you – on second thought, I don't want to know," Light said. "Well, anyway, now my plan is ruined!"

"What plan?!" L asked as he dodged the barrage of punches that Light threw at him before he kicked him in the face with his foot.

"She was supposed to stay in love with _me, _so that she'd tell me your name, so I can kill you!"Light explained.

"Oh, that plan . . . " L said.

"I'll never tell, Light!" Misa shouted. "Ryuuzaki and I are gonna be together forever!"

"Whatever you say," L replied, half-aware of what he was agreeing to.

"How come you love him and not me?!" Light shouted.

"Because Ryuuzaki's one in a billion, that's why!"

"I meant _besides _that, Misa!" Light yelled. "Of course nobody else sits like that!"

"No! It's not that!" Misa yelled back. "It's everything about him on the inside! And he doesn't yell at me."

"Since when did I yell at you?!"

"Right now!"

"Woah! Woah! Woah!" Dr. Phil cut in. "Is this really important? I'm not talking about whatever any of you did last night, I'm talking about your friend's insecurity!"

"But – "

"_Please_, let me finish!" Dr. Phil demanded as the applause died down. "Wait a minute, where'd he go?"

They all looked at L's empty spot on the couch, save for a short note. Light picked it up and began to read. "'It was getting a little too close for comfort, so I'm going home. Love, Ryuuzaki. P.S. Misa, I'm coming over to your apartment later, please tell me how this ended.'"

"Well, that was mature," Dr. Phil said sarcastically.

"You have ADHD, Ryuuzaki!" Dr. Lawless called after him.

After a moment of awkward silence Dr. Phil turned to the floating piece of paper that had "Shinagami" written on it and said, "And_ you_ have a substance abuse problem!"

"Do not question my need for apples!" Ryuuk said.

"They're controlling your life!" Dr. Phil retorted (he had touched the notebook earlier). He picked up his notes and started to read through them. "You say on a good day you eat an entire bowl of apples, and if you don't have any for a while, you do handstands? That can't be healthy. You need to give them up."

"For how long?" Ryuuk asked.

"For ever," Dr. Phil answered.

"No! Never!" Ryuuk answered in such a way that it had nothing on L's previous outburst.

"Did you have an apple this morning before you came here today?"

"Yes!" Ryuuk shouted. "If I don't have apples, humans _die_! Do you really want to be responsible for that?! Innocent lives lost, because the Great Dr. Phil has cut off the Great Ryuuk's apple supply?!"

"Now, don't give me that! And how dare y'all come out here wasted on apples!"

"It was that, or people died!"

"Don't waste my time! Either you're one hundred percent in this, or you're one hundred percent gone!"

"Okay, then, see ya!" Then Ryuuk flew up through the ceiling away from the studio.

"Would you please stop leaving the show?!" Dr. Phil shouted. "Does anybody from the audience know these guys and want to come up here?"

"I do!" Mat called from the back row.

"Yeah, but you only showed up for twenty minutes in one episode with one line and died, so you're not really an important character. It's not good for my ratings."

"You're so mean, Dr. Phil!" Mat wailed as he wiped away his tears of sadness. "I really thought that they wouldn't shoot!"

"Yeah, well nobody cares."

"I care Mat!" Mello told him as he hugged him.

"Mello!" Mat cried with big sparkly eyes.

"Mat!" Mello cried with equally big and sparkly eyes.

"Mello!"

"Mat!"

"Would you two please knock it off," Near said from the other side of the studio.

"No!"

"Hey, you're the girl who's the heir to that guy who just took off!"

"I'm not a girl!" Near protested.

"Well, y'all have to choose better role models." Dr. Phil explained. "I mean, Ryuuzaki was insecure and had terrible sleeping patterns. Do you want to be like that?"

"Yes!" Mat, Mello and Near all replied.

"No, you don't!"

"Yes, we do!"

"No, you – are we really gonna have to go through this again?"

"Will you quit bashing our beloved idol and hero to the orphan children?!"

"Y'all are orphans."

"Yes!"

"Is that why y'all are acting this way? I mean, Mello and Mat, you're both in a heap of trouble with the law, and Near, you've taken after Ryuuzaki!"

"That has nothing to do with anything!"

"Sure, it does! It has some deep psychological meaning that I won't tell you, because I never tell anybody any useful information like that!"

"What a rip!" Mat said. "Come on Mello and Near, I'll take you out for ice cream."

"Yay!"

Dr. Phil turned to Light and Misa, the only two characters left. "Now we can talk about your relationship issues!"

"Me and Light have the perfect relationship!" Misa cried out. "He's so smart! And – "

All of a sudden, L came crashing in. "I thought what we had was special, Misa!"

"Yes, 'had' being the key word," Misa responded.

"Life is so unfair!" he cried. "Nobody loves me!"

Suddenly, the three orphans jumped on him knocking him to the ground. "We love you!" they all cried out.

"I know, you all told me already," L said sounding somewhat annoyed. "_Six times _to be exact."

"A little more each time, too!"

"Get lost!" he screamed.

"Anything for you!" the orphans said before they ran off the stage and out of sight.

"Oh, good! You're back!" Dr. Phil said. "Now you can tell the world your name!"

"I'd rather die! It's a figure of speech, Light-kun!" Then he ran off of the stage himself.

"Anyway, about your relationship . . . "

"You know, Dr. Phil, I've got something I really need to do, right now, away from here," Light said. "It's been fun, but see ya!"

"ADD!"

"Would you please stop saying that?!"

Now there was only Dr. Phil and Misa in the room. There was silence until . . . .

"Hi, everybody! I'm Misa Amane! I love Light-kun! I'm on t.v.! Can everybody here me okay?! Light! Light! Light! Hi! Hi! Hi!"

Dr. Frank Lawless decided to take matters into his own hands and took out his trusty ADD medication blow gun and shot it at Misa. However, Misa doesn't have ADD, she's just really annoying and dumb. Being thus, when the medication took effect, it worked too well, and Misa passed out in a heap on the floor. Then L came in, picked her up and ran back out again, taking her to who knows where.

Dr. Phil who sat there looking shocked and dumbfounded at this weakly said, "That's our show. See you next time." Then Dr. Frank Lawless and poor Robin had to come up and help Dr. Phil out of the studio as the end credits played on.

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**A/N: And that's my slightly far fetched but otherwise amusing theory of what would happen if the Death Note characters ever appeared on Dr. Phil. Please review!**


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